Sermon given by Taffy Jervey, May 5, 2024.
In October, Frank talked about grief and loss. If you recall the fall sermons, we discussed many types of losses: loss of a loved one, marriage, job, to name a few and Bronnie Ware added to this list with natural disasters in the reading. As we learned, these losses involve grieving, which everyone must go through in their own way and time.
As I sat listening to the October services, I thought about filling the voids left by loss. Just to be specific, I am not thinking that we can fill the void in your heart left by the loss of a loved one. That void will always be there, the best we can do is learn to move forward with the void. However, losses leave more voids than many think about.
As I learned when I lost my late wife Joanie, the loss included not only the loss of the person I loved the most, but the dreams we had, the future we had planned. I had more time because I was no longer a caregiver. The void of someone to share with, not only dreams and plans, but discussions, chores, and responsibilities. And for many there is a financial loss.
Many of these same things apply to the loss of marriage or relationship and if children are involved, there are a host of other voids. Loss of time and experiences with the kids.
Several apply to the loss of a job even through retirement. I felt many of these losses when I retired.
Every type of loss I can think of creates voids that you only really think of when you experience them, and they are different for everyone.
So, what do we do with these voids and how do we move forward? I have experienced personally or through friends and family 3 general ways of handling these voids:
1. those who get stuck and cannot move forward
2. those who jump into things very quickly to fill the void as fast as possible
3. those who start again.
Some people including myself have passed through 1 and 2 while we process and heal on our way to starting again. There is no right or wrong, we all must follow our own path in our own timeline.
The first group is people who get stuck and cannot move forward.
Within this group there are people who give up, either intentionally or not.
We have seen the death of a widow or widower shortly after their long-term spouse has died, when the thought of going on and starting again is overwhelming. Often, we say they died of a broken heart.
Some give up in a different way. They sit in front of the television or electronics, not really living their life, but living through those on the screen. Some go on working, but they cannot get through the grief to move on to a new life. They stagnate in the old routines, whether they like them or not. In some cases, anger becomes their new way of life, and they cannot see anything to be grateful for or any joy in the world.
It is hard to think about moving forward after a big loss so it is natural to do this at least while you try to regain your bearings, and some can get stuck here and never move forward.
The second group is the people who jump into things quickly.
Some cannot be alone, so they jump into a new relationship or marriage. In some cases, it seems more for companionship than for love and sometimes that is enough and other times that fails, developing another loss.
Others get busy filling all their time leaving little for themselves or for thinking because thinking is hard when we have a loss, isn’t it? They jump into more hours at work, volunteering, cleaning their houses. When my mother passed, I jumped into more work. When a friend lost her job unexpectedly, she cleaned her entire house top to bottom and then hoped she had not gotten rid of anything she would regret.
These options do not leave a lot of time for creating new dreams, new relationships, new futures. They are a band-aid which can be helpful for a while, but eventually something more may be desired.
The third group that Bronnie Ware suggests in the reading is those who start again. My experience after losing Joanie is that this is not easy, and it comes in fits and starts with frustration and tears. It is not easy to rethink your future. It requires a whole new vision and a lot of decisions. Some are practical things that need to be decided right away and others are more about your personal wants, desires and needs because they change without your partner. There are a lot of questions to consider when thinking about starting again like:
Can I live in the same house, both financially and emotionally?
Do I want to live in the same house or even in the same area?
Do I want all the responsibilities of living where I live?
Do I need to consider a new or additional job?
Do I need or want to work longer than I had planned or in my case, shorter than I had planned?
How do I want to spend my days?
Do I want to try a different type of work or volunteer opportunity?
Do I want to take up something new that I always wanted to try but my partner was not interested in?
Do I want to spend more time doing something I love?
Do I really want to continue all the things I did as a couple? Is that even possible?
What are my new travel priorities? For example, I was able to go to China with some of my family, Joanie would have never done that trip and she would have worried about me if I did it without her.
Do I want to do some things alone and if not, will I give up on them or find someone to do them with?
I have tried some things to see if they fit and other times, I have found answers by going within. Sometimes I feel called to do something, but I am hesitant, so I try it out. This is how I felt about doing sermons.
Your future has changed and now there are so many things to rethink so you can live your life going forward. The list of questions to be decided, the timing and priority will vary for each person. So many possibilities to start over and there is no right or wrong path. It can be daunting and scary, or an adventure, and it is likely you will have all these thoughts and more, I certainly have.
I lay these three things out as separate groups and sometimes they are, and people stay in one of these places. However, sometimes it is phases we go through as we work through our grief and process the idea of a new life. You may need time to be a vegetable in front of the TV or electronics as a balm and stay there forever OR stay until you are ready for more. You may jump into some things that you get stuck in, OR you may realize that this is not what you are meant or want to do. This may lead you to really think through what you want. It is a LOT! - and requires layers of thought and time. But it is worth taking time to rethink and start over again when loss changes your life. Even though you will always carry the loss, it is an opportunity to go within and listen to make a more fulfilling life. Make it what you want it to be and live your life. I like to think of it as a phoenix rising from the ashes or a butterfly emerging from a cocoon.
The how, when, speed and direction will be different for everyone, but it all starts with one small step. Often after a loss, a good first step is to think about what you are grateful for. A gratitude journal can be a great help. Another good step is the exercise from the Artist Way where you try something you used to love to do as a child. The important thing is to take a step.
Have you gone through any of this after a loss?
My hope for you is that when you encounter a loss as we all will, you will find your way in your own time, to start again.
Amen and blessed be.